Chalk up my second tongue-clucking parent meeting of the year. A mother wanted to know why her student was failing. Quite simple really: he didn't turn in any homework, or produce any homework when I checked it at the students' desks, as I am known to often do. He is also totally distracted by the crowd he hangs out with, as I was filled in by his previous teacher that he aspires to be a hard-core gangster rapper. You should see this kid's MySpace page - Yeesh!
When speaking of my frustrations about this meeting with my wife, I was having trouble coming up with the words to describe the disposition of the mother. The attitude of the mother might be described as one of seething, yet repressed hostility towards me. Another that comes to mind would be silent contempt. She was cold, emotionless, talked barely above a whisper the entire time, and looked at me like I was some kind of insect.
It turns out that her son did do a lot of the work for which he received no credit. That's what happens when you do the homework, and then fail to turn it in or show it to me. I will always be mystified by that sub-group of students who do their work and then just don't manage to get it to the teacher. What a waste. Where the mom got angry - and started personally attacking me in a diplomatic manner - was when I refused to give her son credit for the work. Like it or not, I have a no-late-work policy; it is in writing in the syllabus, it has been made known to the parents since week one of the school year. You may not agree with it, but you must abide by it, and this student didn't abide by it. I couldn't get the mother to understand that just doing the work isn't good enough; you have to prove to me that you did it. Her son failed to do that; I'm not exactly sure how. How many times did I announce to the class to get out their homework? How many times did I walk up to this student and ask where his homework was, and all I got was a "I didn't do it" or a shrug of the shoulders?
For an hour, that mother brought up the same arguments over and over again, practically browbeating me in an effort to get me to cave and accept her son's work. Believe me, when this quiet, intimidating woman was this relentless, of course it was tempting to just put the numbers into the gradebook. However, the fallout would be severe. Her son would go to his little cadre of buddies and brag about how his moms got Mr. Chanman to give in. So the next time I wouldn't accept a late assignment from someone, guess what the first thing the student would say? You let so-and-so turn in his stuff late!
When a request for an exception didn't work, the mother began questioning my integrity, my compassion, and my abilities as a teacher. Don't you believe in giving a second chance? Do you believe you have the best interests of your students at heart? If so many of your students aren't turning in your homework, then perhaps you shouldn't assign it anymore. And my favorite: How is it that [my son's] grade didn't start to improve until this meeting was scheduled?
My answers to this mother were simple. Second chances? You bet! The next time there is a homework assignment, make sure I see it or that it's turned in. Also there is the extra credit assignment list on the wall over there - pick one! Best interests? You bet! One of the most valuable lessons that one can learn in life is that failing to carry out your responsibilities can be costly. Being allowed to experience failure often has the effect of motivating a student to not want to experience failure again. Which brings me to my favorite question she asked, which was why his grade didn't improve until our meeting was scheduled. I wish you all could have been there, because by her demeanor and tone in asking this question, what she was doing was insinuating that I had either purposely or accidentally withheld assignment credit from her son, and only started giving him credit for his work when I knew I would have to meet with her. She said it in a very carefully worded way so that it didn't sound like an open accusation, but the insinuation was crystal clear. I didn't even want to go down that confrontational road with her, so I told her that was something she should ask her son, as only he would know the answer. What I wanted to say was that perhaps he started turning in assignments in the last week precisely because he knew she was going to meet with me, so he had better get his butt in gear and raise his grade as to lower the impact of her possible wrath upon him, because I'm sure he knew that I was going to tell her exactly what I told her. Should I have said this to her? I don't know. Sometimes, I am still learning what is and is not an acceptable level of candor when talking to a parent; especially one that was as hostile as she.
A week before the meeting, the student had a 29%. On the day of the meeting, he had a 47%. Today, after another assignment was turned in, he now has a 54%, and this semester isn't over until December. That's what the specter of failure can do for you. Were it not for my "harsh" policy, he would probably still not be turning anything in, because after all, he could just rush a bunch of stuff in at the end for half-credit.
As for the notion of not assigning homework because too many students refuse to do it? Does that really need a response?
Good Day to You, Sir
"If a nation expects to be ignorant and free... it expects what never was, and never will be." --Thomas Jefferson
15 comments:
It sounds to me that you need to continue the meetings with this student and parent just to keep in ass in line.
Oh man! I've been in your shoes! I think it was okay to tell her that the reason his grade was starting to go up was because he was trying to decrease the severity of the impact of the conference.
In other words, HER involvement in his education makes a big impact on her son. You bug the kid about his work and he blows you off. She schedules an appointment and he snaps to attention. Doesn't it make you want to turn the tables on her and quiz her about why she wasn't checking his progress and why she didn't reinforce your expectations of him at home so he could be successful? In a perfect world...
I admire your stance . . . makes me seem like a wimp.
Way to stand firm. I've had many a similar encounter. One time, I actually flat out asked a mom "How 'bout if I just give your son an 'A' on that test. It'll solve this problem right away, and, after all, that's what you want, isn't it"? This so caught the mom off-guard that she literally didn't know what to say for almost a minute. After she finally collected her thoughts, she said "No! That not what I want!" To which I responded, "Then, what IS it that you want, ma'am?"
She didn't have an answer. I had explained my position at least twice on each and every point she had raised. (The issue was taking a test during a split-lunch class period. Due to an administrative scheduling hassle, I had no other option than to give the test during this period. I had warned students -- 90% of which finished the test before lunch, by the way -- that if they hand in their tests before lunch, they will NOT get it back to continue. Son was one of those who turned it in before lunch, but wanted it back despite my warning.)
One of my offers was to allow her son to take a retest -- on the whole test. The same test, mind, you. She refused that offer. Finally I asked, "What should I do?" She said "Thank you" and left. The next morning, one of our school counselors informed me that mom had called her and wanted to speak w/the principal about the whole deal. I asked what she had said. She said exactly what she had had told me, nothing new! Fortunately, my principal told her my responses and offer of a retest were MORE than fair, but, alas, mom was STILL pissed. ABOUT WHAT?????
The answer is, my friend, that sometimes you JUST CANNOT WIN NO MATTER WHAT. There are just hysterical, irrational people out there. And what we do can't change that.
Sounds like the majority of my students. The only thing I find worse is a student who is labeled as "Special Ed," doesn’t do any work, and in the end the parent's want me to pass them because they have "problems." If you do not modify the work, as per the IEP, then it can come back on the teacher. Many of the students I have that are labeled "Special Ed" need nothing more than a good, swift kick in the ass to get them motivated and back on track.
I don't understand why you resisted telling her that her son started turning in work when he knew she was getting involved. That explanation seems so logical to me.
Oh, it seems very logical. My problem is that I am still a little unversed sometimes in what exactly I can say to a parent and still be within my bounds.
I had a bad experience during my second year, where I told a student the truth about the impact about her behavior in class, and before I knew it, the mother was on the phone biting my head off, and the vice principal was tsk tsking me for saying such a thing.
What I told the student was that the class was better behaved when she was absent, because she was pulling a lot of kids off task with her misbehavior.
For this, I was pilloried. Ever since, I second-guess everything I tell a parent, wondering if I will be pilloried once again for saying the logical (and true) statement.
Gee, the kid lies to his mother too. Who'da guessed? Is there a dad to talk to? Maybe the kid can't lie to him.
Dad is out of the picture. Typical situation at my school I'm afraid.
As a hand working student, it's really a relief to hear about your enforcement of fair policies.
Of course this kid would have bragged about his mother's victory over your late policies, and of course other students would then tried to have taken advantage of it...leaving those students who had bothered to do the work in the first place (and turn it in) scratching their heads...
Excellent work.
What you could do in the future with this parent is to call her the next time he misses a couple of assignments again and that she may want to have a chat with him about your policies. This way she's in the loop with her son's progress.
I have had this happen also but I met with the student and the parent. I put a lot of the responsibility on the student by asking why it wasn't getting turned in and what we could do to help him turn it in. I also laid a lot of guilt about how much I wanted to help him and if he was in the workplace, would this be acceptable by the boss? I explained that his parent and I had to turn in things and no one had to force or remind us or the family might go hungry. When I put the parents and me on the same side, the parents were not as hostile. I also suggested that since they knew about the homework, that I initial an agenda when it was turned in so they could reward him.
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