Boy, do we have some problems to fix!

My wife and I recently rented a PBS documentary called Raising Cain: Boys in Focus. The documentary explores the secret lives of boys and some of the misconceptions society has about them. As the parents of a 2 1/2 year old boy, and a 7 month old girl who will grow up dealing with boys, we found this documentary to be informative and fascinating.

Raising Cain was hosted by child psychologist Michael Thompson, Ph.D. Dr. Thompson covered the gamut of boys' lives; from birth, to babies, to elementary, to high school. He also looked at the lives of boys who live in the inner city and boys who live in the ritzy suburbs. The most tragic episodes were - not surprisingly - the ordeal of inner-city boys. Dr. Thompson focused on the tragic results of inner-city boys who essentially raise themselves. Since there is rarely any father in the home, these boys have to figure out on their own what it means to be a man - either from themselves, or worse, their peers. The end result is a bunch of hyper-masculine wolves who prey on anyone weaker than themselves. One of the biggest reasons they prey on others is to keep from becoming prey themselves. You all know the intimidating swagger and non-stop cursing that many inner-city boys adopt. Dr. Thompson calls this the "mask of masculinity." These boys act in a manner that they think is an authentic representation of how men are supposed to act, when in actuality, their behavior is a distorted and perverted version of the real thing. Dr. Thompson juxtaposes the behavior of some fatherless inner-city boys, with another boy whose father, although divorced from his mother, is still very involved in the boy's life. The father's involvement makes all the difference in the world. I was particularly touched when Dr. Thompson pointed out a scene when the father hugs and kisses his boy, and described that tender moment as something a father can teach his son that a boy's peers cannot or will not; that you can be masculine while also being affectionate. I hug and kiss my son all the time, and while I know that is important to do, I don't think I truly appreciated how much until the lack of that affection was illustrated during the profiles of these inner-city boys who, deep down, are starved for a father's attention and affection. The wonderful thing, is that throughout the documentary, Dr. Thompson pointed out the importance of the role of the father, no matter what the socio-economic status.

Another thing Dr. Thompson talked about that I appreciated was the role that fantasy violence plays in the life of a young boy. Nowadays, many parents and school officials get the vapors when little boys play war, or draw violent pictures, or write stories with violent content, or even play tag and dodgeball. Dr. Thompson correctly points out that play violence is not real violence, and to retard a boy's predilection to participate in play violence does nothing but make the boy feel like there is something wrong with him or dirty about him. If some of these oversensitive teachers and parents could have observed me when I was a kid, they would have lumped me in with the Columbine killers. I drew pictures of guillotines and people being hanged, my friends and I played Vietnam War at recess, and when one of us was "wounded", the "wounded" kid would beg his playmates to shoot him and put him out of his misery; the playmates would happily oblige. We conducted intricate war games in the woods where we would deck ourselves out with camo uniforms, carry toy guns, and set up ambushes. Yep, I was a regular psychopath. It was refreshing to hear Dr. Thompson point out to teachers, students, and the viewers that some high school boys doing a risque skit involving the Seven Dwarves getting a little too friendly with Snow White does not mean that those boys will grow up to be gang rapists, and for some of the teachers and parents to insinuate that belief does nothing but alienate boys from the school culture that much more. As badly as boys are performing in school in comparison to girls, we cannot afford to alienate boys from school much more than we already have.

Good Day to You, Sir