To Spank, or Not to Spank? That is the Question

As the father of a 20 month old boy, I am quickly approaching the period of a child's development that we all dread: the Terrible Twos (and Threes, from what I have heard). My son has already shown little hints of defiance as he figures out that he is his own person and that he can do what he wants if he can get away with it.

The question is, what should be done about it. Once upon a time, the answer was simple; you spanked your kid if he or she misbehaved. Then along came the 1950s, and parents were taught by Dr. Spock and others that the rod should be spared. Of course, the kids of the 1950s grew into the authority-defying hippies and protesters of the 1960s and 1970s, so that isn't much of an endorsement of not spanking.

But seriously, it is difficult to be in favor of spanking (as I am), when it seems the world is now against it. And again, look at the results; I see them every day in my classroom. If parents truly don't spank as much as they used to, I can't help but wonder if that doesn't show up in the absolute defiance of their offspring that I see walking my campus every day.

My wife and I don't see eye to eye on this issue. She is much more reluctant to spank than I am. Don't take that to mean that I am sitting here salivating and twisting my proverbial mustache, waiting for my son to screw up so I can take a belt to his hide; not at all. But when my son (and my soon-to-arrive daughter) get a little older, and defiance can truly become an issue, will spanking be on the table as an option in our house?

One of the common arguments of anti-spankers is that it teaches your kid that the only way to solve problems is through violence. Well, if you just haul off and smack your kid at will, that may be true. But that is not the way that healthy constructive spanking is supposed to work. Spanking is supposed to be a deliberate and planned act that is done when passions have cooled.
My wife and I receive a weekly newsletter from a company called BabyCenter. They give updates on the growth of our daughter who currently resides in my wife's abdomen. They also give advice on raising the kids you already have. In the current newsletter, they give advice on disciplining your 20 month old. Regarding spanking, they say, "Spanking does not teach children anything but fear, and that aggression is a way to solve problems." So spanking your kid will cause your kid to fear you. Let's hear what Robert Surgenor has to say. He is a retired Ohio police officer who runs the Ohio Family Defense Network. He writes of domestic violence call he worked where a 15 year old boy had beaten the tar out of his parents:

I interviewed the mother to determine why the boy had become so violent. The mother stated that they had simply tried to restrain the boy from leaving the house after curfew. Not wishing to comply with his parent's authority, he proceeded to punch the daylights out of both mom and dad. Mom explained that they had lost control of the boy at an early age, as young as three or four years old. He simply refused to do what they said. "We've tried everything," she sobbed. "We've tried time outs, we've tried grounding him, we've taken privileges away, it just seems like nothing works." I then asked mom a very simple question. "When he was three years old and refused to do what you said, did you ever spank him?" Mom became very angry as her eyes narrowed to slits and she gritted her teeth. With blood running down her face from a broken nose, she replied, "We don't believe in spanking. Violence begets violence!" (My emphasis).

Sounds to me like relying on only timeouts and other non-contact means of discipline made the kid violent enough. Does this kid sound like he fears his parents? Detective Surgenor went on to explain what the real result of proper use of spanking can beget:

I didn't tell the mom how ridiculous she sounded. During the next nineteen years I heard that statement from many parents who were trying to deal with out of control children. It soon became apparent to me that children who had never been spanked were more likely to get in trouble in school, in trouble with the law, and were more likely to grow up with an attitude of complete defiance of authority. It appeared that spanking a child for certain types of misbehavior instilled the healthy fear and respect for authority that is missing in many of today's youth.

I can think of quite a few students I teach (more like "attempt to teach"), who truly have no fear of authority, least of all my authority. I am quite sure that they have probably not been spanked. On the other hand, I fear that a lot of them get the opposite treatment from their so-called parents, which is a benign neglect in which the students have had to fend for themselves and consequently have become honorary residents of the island inhabited by the Lord of the Flies. Those children lost respect for authority as well; not from the misapplication of discipline by authority, but by an absence of any authority at all.

So, again, to spank or not to spank? It is something that my wife and I will have to talk about and pray about until we can come to a consensus. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking, and our children keep growing.

Good Day to You, Sir (SMACK!)